Surprised? No, I am not.

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this last November at the height of my dissolving state of mind. I know there are mothers out there who are in serious need of help and mothers who suffer silently. I just want to get out publicly that they aren’t alone, they aren’t the only ones, there is help. So I am reposting this on this blog that is my “ugly truth”. I have gotten help and I am doing amazingly well.

I used to be utterly shocked, disgusted, and bewildered when I heard of stories where mothers kill their children. I would think, “How could someone do that?”

I no longer wonder. I no longer find myself disgusted but saddened by it.

These women obviously needed help.

I feel that I have gotten to that point and the difficulty in finding someone to help you…well… it leaves me speechless. I am able to recognize my need. I have family that I know I can talk to who will take my kids if I ever get to the point that I need a break. I have a husband who loves me enough and knows that if I am asking for help, I really mean it.

Finding help is nearly impossible.

I went into my insurance web page and called the 4 places that say they cover. The first place gave me 4 different numbers to call. One of the numbers finally got me to someone who told me that I have to pay for services up front and then deal with my insurance to be reimbursed.

I called all of the other places only to find out that no one answers their phones, there are no secretaries, or no one is taking new patients.

When you are depressed and overwhelmed… there is no motivation to keep trying. Duh. Why would getting some type of mental health help be so difficult? I have a cold? I can call up a new doctor and get in the next day. My life or my childrens’ lives could be in danger and nada. Nothing. No help here.

The Captain called and called and finally found the golden list of the handful of doctors that are taking new patients. He got me an appointment and… lo and behold… she isn’t in our network. I don’t need to add the guilt of putting us further in the poor house cause I’m sick in the head. I know, I know, The Captain made the same reference you are probably thinking. If one of us had cancer, we wouldn’t just ignore it because of the bills, we’d face it, treat it, and do what we needed to do. I’m irrational though. That’s just where I am right now.

So, I tried calling this Doctor to let her know that I needed to cancel and I couldn’t find her number. Anywhere. What the hell?! Is she even a real doctor?! The Captain got the number for me, I called her, got her voice mail and left her a message. I then proceeded to call 9 other numbers trying to get an appointment. Not one live person. Not one secretary. And no call backs. Not one. All day.

You know who called me back? The lady with whom I cancelled and she tried to talk me into seeing her. Apparently I can get a good deal, blah blah blah. So what the hell am I supposed to do? I guess I end up going to the lady that isn’t in my network because I can’t find anyone who will call me back.

Or maybe just go commit myself but then what do I do with my kids? And how do we pay for it? The University Hospital is the fist place everyone wants to put me and our insurance won’t pay there.

So, I now understand why moms kill their babies sometimes. They can’t deal, they can’t get help, there is no help to be had, and they break.

I’m not saying I am going to kill my babies. But I sure as hell want to smack them sometimes and then we all end up crying all day long because I am so frustrated, I don’t know how to control my rage, my anger, my sadness, my hopelessness, and then the guilt that ensues is gut wrenching and sinks me further.

I do, however, have friends and family who would, in my darkest hour, not even hesitate to help if I needed them. I do have a husband who, even though this shit is killing him as well, will go to the ends of the earth to help me.

I am lucky.

Others are not and their children never live to see tomorrow.

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No, I am NOT crazy.

Last Thursday, I finally encountered the day I’ve been looking forward to for almost a year…

I got my IUD out!

I waited a whole damn year for this day… and why? Let me break it down..

Right after having Bliss, I had a really hard time on birth control pills. They made me craaaaaaaaaazy. I figured we were done with the baby making business for long enough that an IUD made sense. Since the hormones in the pill were making me so sick, I opted for the copper one.

Since then, I have not had a uterus pain free day. Every period hurt, every time I had sex for two days after it hurt, every day hurt. It got to where even though I wanted to have sex with The Captain, I just couldn’t bear to do it knowing what the next two days would entail.

I ended up with ovarian cysts multiple times. If you’ve never dealt with that, this is what I went through. My ovaries would get huge with the cysts. Every time one burst, I would be nauseous and the pain was really quite horrible. I would gain 5-7 pounds in a week right around the time I was ovulating and it would stay there until I had my period. I looked 5 months pregnant every time they popped up. The bloating, crampy, uncomfortable, icky feeling of cysts. They were so bad the first time that my doctor said, “Holy monster cysts, Batman!”

Yeah, he’s pretty funny, he broke his leg jumping out of his truck to shoot a deer. I really like the doc.

Anyway, I also would have anywhere from 10 days to 40 days with no period. No warning, no idea when it would hit. Then when it hit, I’d cramp for 10 days, bleed heavy for 10 days, then spend the next 5 spotting. And cramping.

So, why not take it out? Because it cost us $1200 dollars to put the devil in and I couldn’t bear to take it out after spending that much money on the damned thing. So, I kept thinking it would get better.

It did not.

For some reason, The Captain and I started talking about having another baby and after Easter shopping and seeing the little newborn little girl swimsuit with red and white stripes and ruffle bum with a tiny white robe, that would make anyone baby hungry.

So, I got onto and instead of going to the grocery store and buying $20 tests, or even going to the dollar store, these babies come at 50 cents. 50 CENTS PEOPLE!!

That might sound really dumb to you, but I’m one of those people that starts taking tests the second I think that I can (or maybe a couple days before, just to make sure) because the anticipation kills me. I want to know the second I am pregnant.

I’m the one whose first positive test with Edison, The Captain was sure I was just seeing things, and in the morning he came in and woke my up by punching my arm saying, “I THINK WE’RE GONNA HAVE A BABY!”

So, as fertile myrtle as I am, I should be expecting on The Captains birthday in February.

But, I am not going to say until I’m a ways in for the purpose of not having everyone asking me over and over when I’m due. NOR am I going to find out the gender. Just for the fun of it. Make it a little exciting.

(Like me pregnant isn’t bringing enough crazy to make life exciting enough.)

So, no, I am NOT crazy. Edison is potty trained, Bliss will be going to school at the end of this year, I will have some time to myself, I have my depression under control, I have found a fibromyalgia specialist that I’m on the waiting list for, I have massage, and I have found and will tinker with essential oils.

Besides, I have two dang cute little babies who look so different from the other with such different personalities, I am excited to see what this little bundle (if it happens) brings to the table.

I will, however, be thinking I’m crazy when The Captain gets into the MBA program…

That will be a different story.

Communication

I would like to give a huge “thank you” shout out to Miss T.

Apparently there has been a lack in communication and a surge of over communication that has led to some hurt feelings.

I appreciate the straight forward manner in which you were willing and able to help me get some sort of sense of the mess that has been created.

I’m so very glad that my first impression was not wrong and that you really are a nice person.

I am also glad that I know where my hurt feelings are able to be directed, but to be honest, they are going away as my life is too busy to keep grudges or hurt feelings last too long. It’s too tiring and I just don’t have the time or the desire to harbor anything negative if I can help it.

Mr. D, Thank you for walking me through stuff. You are always great to help me figure out if I’m over or under reacting. Helping me figure out when to let go. Helping me basically just wrap my head around what’s going on in my life and you never judge me. I’m forever grateful for that mostly.

Communication is NOT my strongest suit. Not something I learned growing up. I learned a lot of other things, but talking about my feelings is not one of them. Besides, I just couldn’t see myself calling Miss T up and asking her “Why don’t you like me…wah!” It really isn’t my place to do that. If at some point any type of issues can and will come up I’m sure. They always do. Otherwise, I can just sit on it and go on. Besides, I didn’t need to be told that the “wah-mbulance was on it’s way to take me to the wuss-pital.” Which is exactly what it would be like in my head. Calling to whine about someone not liking me. 🙂 It isn’t the first time, it won’t be the last, and if I’m patient people either come around or they just don’t. It’s ok. It’s been like that my whole life. I’m ok with it. I’m just now becoming ok with it. It’s part of my learning about Buddhism and trying to lessen the suffering of other and one’s self.

Anyway, The Captain is awesome at communication and thank God he makes me talk to him. Otherwise we’d be married 4 years this May and would not be speaking to each other. I am learning to try to be more honest about my feeling to people to their faces and I have truly been duly chastised about my lack of communication.

Miss T, I really should have come to you in the first place and even though Mr. H asked me not to say anything, I should have just come to you with how I felt. I should have told you what I was told and to tell you that my feelings were hurt but I respect his decision. I want you to know how in a strange odd way, it makes me kind of happy that he did what he did. Do you realize that is a strange round-about dumb man way of showing how much he cares about you? How much he cares about your happiness? It’s kind of cool, even if it was at the expense of my “feel goods”.

So, onward and upward. My lacking of communication skills is going to be a long haul but I’m trying to make progress. And if nothing else, there is progress in the communication of my marriage which is the most important thing.

I ordered the eye candy… over here.

Just got back from going on a date with my brother.

I think that might be the first date he and I have been on. LOL. He is visiting with his soon to be Mrs. and she offered to watch the babies while we went to a movie.

Mostly because I am not sure she is interested in this type of movie and T and I are HUGE fans of them.

Comic book movies.

They are my favorite movies. Of all time. Genre wise.

Thor just came out and while I was supposed to go see the midnight viewing with D, I forgot with the brother and his Mrs. coming to town.

I just want to say. Oh. My. Gah!

Not only is the man who plays the character Thor very handsome. He has worked very hard for this movie to get his body in the shape it’s in and I must say there was just a little drooling going on. I am dying to go see it in 3D now. And his accent is just the icing on the cake.

The movie was great to go along with the eye candy and it’s really fun watching the Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, etc. coming together.

Thank God for eye candy for us girls. And thank you Hollywood for bringing it to us. I thoroughly felt that my money was well spent for that 2ish hours of entertainment.

I wonder if I can get The Captain to take me to see it again. ;D

I need to clarify

After writing a post about my best friend, I feel it is very important to clarify something…

If you are my friend, and my good friend, you are my best friend. I will do anything for you within my power and will be the most loyal person and will never leave unless there is a perfectly good reason behind it.

I married my best friend.

The man who married my husband to me is my best friend.

A girl I went to elementary school, junior high school, and high school, after all this time is my best friend.

My sister’s best friend from way, way back is my best friend.

My hair dresser’s wife is my best friend.

An old friend with whom I had a falling out is again my best friend.

My cousin whom I’ve just gotten to know is my kindred spirit best friend.

My sisters are my best friends.

My brother who I hated as a kid is my best friend.

My sister in laws are my best friends.

But not all of them I can talk to about everything without feeling judged about one thing or another. Except my friend who is Buddhist. He’s the one who married my husband and I. I is pretty much the coolest.

I just wanted them to know that they are all in a very special place in my heart and I love them all, I just needed to grieve and get over one of my best friends leaving me.

That is all.

Let’s get this party started.

Well, I think it’s about time to get this party started.

It is time that I stop being scared to write my feeling. It is time to stop being afraid to let the painful parts out so that I can heal. I don’t really have anyone to really talk to about it so THIS, HERE, is my outlet. I would normally talk to my best friend about this, but this is about one of my best friends and I don’t get to talk to him anymore.

I’ve had a friend. For a long time. We met at work and immediately enjoyed each other’s company. But, as I am a girl and he’s a boy, I guess it’s just natural that we are supposed to date. There was an attraction, but I think we enjoyed each others company more. We dated on and off for 3 years. Why on again and off again for so long? Because we were never good for each other as a couple but we were best friends. He didn’t want to date me but didn’t want to see me date anyone else. I think it was really because he was afraid I’d leave and we’d never be friends again. I let it happen because I love his family so much and I really like his group of friends. I was afraid that I’d lose them. Neither happened, really, for a while.

After 3 years, I finally was done and I got married to a different best friend. One whom I’ve know since I was 15 and was a high school sweet heart for a little bit. The Captain is not a fan of H. But it’s mostly he doesn’t want to get to know him. He has never seemed to mind that we stayed friends. Especially since H took my dog that hated The Captain. A decision he made me make while I was pregnant by the way…

Anyway, I have stood by H through his dating issues. I’ve called him out on his stupid guy issues while dating. I’ve been able to count on him for lunch or a movie or just to hang out. We’ve always been there for each other and it was nice to be able to talk about anything and have our sense of humor to just have a good time.

Then he met T and things got weird. I know. I’m the Ex. Why would he be friends with his ex? I don’t know if he’s just never been able to explain our relationship or if she is just insecure or just doesn’t care. For a while, we met, she really cute and funny and absolutely perfect for him. I liked her instantly. He didn’t really talk about her which I respect. But when he did, he was going through some things trying to deal with dating her. I tried to be supportive. I was there for him. I told him that I would always be there for him because that’s what friends do.

I was even invited to their engagement party. It was a blast. T and I got to talk quite a bit and I thought that things had worked themselves out.

Apparently not.

They got married in December and it got to where I stopped hearing from him in November. I was a little bugged but whatever, he’s newly married and he’s got a lot to do.

They invited me to their reception in April. He then called me to let me know that I am not T’s biggest fan.

Nice. Why and where did that come from? He wouldn’t tell me why or anything, just that we can’t talk or text or hang out anymore.

HE’S GOT MY DOG DAMMIT!!

I haven’t seen the dog I had to give up, and still love dearly, in a very long time.

I haven’t seen one of my best friends and have him BE my best friend in a very long time.

I’m grieving.

I’m pissed.

It’s just like when we were dating and it was on again off again and I had to deal with the rejection.

I’ve been rejected by my best friend.

Nice.

Bastard.

And I get it. She doesn’t like me. I respect that he has to do what he has to do to make his marriage work. I understand that. I get that. But why were we fine one day and not fine the next?

I’M NOT A FUCKING THREAT!!

Does she not see that?! I am so happy in my life. I just want more people in my life and I really enjoyed her and wanted her to be part of it. I just want my friend back.

So. The reception. He called to tell me she doesn’t like me but told me he expected me at the reception so I told him I’d go.

That wasn’t awkward at all. *sarcasm is dripping*

All of his friends and family were there whom I love dearly. I was able to see everyone and hug everyone and just visit. It was such a great night for me.

The bride and groom had left so I wasn’t able to hit them directly, but when I did see them, well, I wanted to say congrats first thing.

T was talking to someone and I came up, she gave me a sidelong glance and turned her back to me.

It took her a good 5 minutes before she could even look at me and even then, well, I don’t want my friend to ever get that look from his wife. Especially on my account.

She was pleasant enough but seriously, she had to work up to that. And that’s just sad.

I got the mandatory hug and then barely a word. I get it. Who wants a fight on a happy day?

So, I decided to end things totally. I didn’t want to be friends with them on facebook and see what was going on, especially if I can’t feel comfortable commenting. I let them know as much and let them know I wouldn’t be texting or calling except on birthdays.

I’m so mad at him and so sad that I’ve lost my friend. One who understands my quirks and doesn’t have to like me because he’s my husband but likes me in spite of it. I feel lied to. He told me nothing would ever lose our friendship and now he’s gone.

I’d like to think that I’m the bigger person by backing off completely since neither of them have the balls to say whats really going on. She can’t even tell me how she feels. I’d respect her more for that and feel ok letting my friend go. He can’t even let me know what is really going on. Now, I just feel like I’ve been dumped by a friend for no good reason like back in high school.

I’m sad and I pity myself because I still like them both and at any moment would go back to the friendship and not even blink an eye.

I’m lame.

My pride and joy

Edison, 2 years old 9 months, has finally had one full day of potty training. AND we weren’t even home most of the day. This is not only the first time he’s gone this long with no accidents but the first time he has asked to go and not being at our own home.

The best part is, he has for a while gone and hidden to poop. He up and went to the bathroom, sat down on the potty by himself, and went poop. It was cute because when The Captain went to check on him, he asked him to shut the door so he could have his privacy. Neither of us realized that started so soon! Needing his privacy, not the potty training thing.

So, for Easter, I bought him undies that he picked out so he will be more excited to wear them. He chose Pixar characters. Wore Buzz this morning and Cars right now.

Now it’s just time to get Bliss into undies and we’ll be out of diapers soon. NO MORE FRIGGIN DIAPERS!!!

Power of Prayer

I am pretty sure that all of you out there believe in prayer. Or, more exactly the power of prayer.

If I’m not mistaken, all religions pray. (I am choosing not to put athiesm and the rest of those types of things in my list of religions as they don’t believe in anything therefore have nothing to pray to, but there may, in fact, be those in those particular groups who still pray to something)

Anyway, I saw this and wanted to post it and try to get it around to as many people as I could and see if maybe, try as we might, prove that prayer actually has power. Whether you be Baptist, Catholic, Mormon, Jewish, Presbyterian, Episcopalian, Buddhist, Muslim, and…well… you get the picture.

Request from Dr. Masaru Emoto

To All People Around the World

Please send your prayers of love and gratitude to water at the nuclear plants in Fukushima, Japan!

By the massive earthquakes of Magnitude 9 and surreal massive tsunamis, more than 10,000 people are still missing…even now… It has been 16 days already since the disaster happened. What makes it worse is that water at the reactors of Fukushima Nuclear Plants started to leak, and it’s contaminating the ocean, air and water molecule of surrounding areas.

Human wisdom has not been able to do much to solve the problem, but we are only trying to cool down the anger of radioactive materials in the reactors by discharging water to them.

Is there really nothing else to do?

I think there is. During over twenty year research of hado measuring and water crystal photographic technology, I have been witnessing that water can turn positive when it receives pure vibration of human prayer no matter how far away it is.
Energy formula of Albert Einstein, E=MC2 really means that Energy = number of people and the square of people’s consciousness.

Now is the time to understand the true meaning. Let us all join the prayer ceremony as fellow citizens of the planet earth. I would like to ask all people, not just in Japan, but all around the world to please help us to find a way out the crisis of this planet!!
The prayer procedure is as follows.

Name of ceremony:
“Let’s send our thoughts of love and gratitude to all water in the nuclear plants in Fukushima”

Day and Time:
March 31st, 2011 (Thursday)
12:00 noon in each time zone

Please say the following phrase:
“The water of Fukushima Nuclear Plant, we are sorry to make you suffer. Please forgive us. We thank you, and we love you.” Please say it aloud or in your mind. Repeat it three times as you put your hands together in a prayer position. Please offer your sincere prayer.

Thank you very much from my heart.

With love and gratitude,
Masaru Emoto
Messenger of Water

Or, I’m sure those of you who choose to fold your arms and end it “in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.” it will work just exactly the same.

Those who choose to participate, thank you very much.

Intimidated

I have blogged before using blogspot just because that is what everyone I knew used.

I decided to start at new blog that I could use as my journal. Be me and not care what anyone thought. My original blog I’ve got I’ve had to really censor myself and I hate that. I have family that are religious and conservative. I have friends that are a little judgemental. My husband is terrified that his work will find my blog and fire him. 😀 So, I’ve decided, under a psuedonymn to write the way I want. About stories that I want to write about. To curse as I feel I need to. To be as politically incorrect and opinionated as I want. I don’t want my mom to read this and feel like I think she’s been a bad mom. I don’t want my sister in law to read this and feel bad that I secretly have a little hate for her. She’s the perfect mom and wife and loves it. I am a little jealous for what she accomplishes and that she is so amazing artistic and perfect and secretly want to be more like her. And I know I will never live up to her standards. I don’t want my in-laws to read about my sex life or about some of the personal things that their son and I do. It’s just weird. I don’t want my husband to worry about what I’m blogging about. I don’t want them to be offended by my language. I don’t want to feel judged by my feelings of parenting or my issues with depression. I want to be able to discuss my battle with depression and therapy and psychiatry and medication without feeling the need to censor myself… so… here it is.

If you find this and read it and enjoy it and can sympathize, empthize, or apathy me away…then great. I just hope it’s therapeutic to me.

Or maybe I find this intimidating because I have just had way too much wine… we’ll see in the morning.

But this wordpress thing freaks me the fuck out. I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s not as user friendly. I hope my husband, the computer guy, doesn’t mind helping me figure this out without freaking out about it. LOL

Inevitable

It was inevitable that my Mr. and I would have the conversation about my blog.

He is advancing his career at a pretty large bank and he works on the computer/internet banking end. He therefor works with people who are pretty savvy at finding info about him. And if you have never read this blog, do. He didn’t want the term “to be dooced” to be referred to him.

So, in the interest of my Mr. keeping his job, having some things that I need to get out that I don’t particularly want his family reading, and wanting to keep a log of my upcoming venture, I started this blog.

I will be logging my journey of trying to get help. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I am exhausted and am not dealing well with my life or my children. It’s causing horrendous stress on my husband and I don’t want my babies to suffer.

I will also be using this as something of therapy by getting out things that are painful to me. There are going to be thing that you will probably not want to read. There are things I’ve done, things I’ve lived through, and choices that I’ve made in my life that have been hard.

Don’t judge me.

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