Ugly

I want a drink.

Wait… change that. I want a big glass of moscato wine while sitting in my big tub with hot water and bubbles in candle light with a book.

But I can’t.

No, I can… I can do anything I want. I won’t. I won’t risk doing anything to hurt the baby I’m trying to grow. I won’t sit in a bath TOO hot and I won’t drink alcohol, (well, maybe a small taste here and there) but nothing to get me feeling the alcohol.

Because I do too much already that makes me a little nervous but both my doctors know about it and we’ve all decided that it is in my best interest to ingest the medicine I do.

Why?

Because it avoids times like this. Times where I’m out of Ambien, out of pain pills, and I can’t sleep. I’m almost out of Prozac, so we’ll see how that adds to the mixture. I am going on day 5 of three hours of sleep. You would think that the medicine would have run through my system and I wouldn’t need the Ambien, but the thing is, I get insomnia when I’m pregnant. I lay in bed for hours. HOURS! I have tried everything from lavender to warm milk to warm tea to getting up and trying something else until I’m tired. I am exhausted. I lay back down and my mind races and races and I can’t shut it down but my body and my eyes are weary and worn to the bone.

I am one of those people who needs sleep. I need at least 8 hours to function. The Captain gets c.r.a.n.k.y. when he’s hungry. Me? I get cranky when I’m tired. Not just tired but tired and laying in bed and suffering from muscle spasms that start at the base of my skull and run down to my right sciatic nerve and then it’s like that straight line is put in a tourniquet and spun tight so my back arches backward. It’s very painful and very not conducive to falling asleep. So, even when I start to nod off, this spasm hits and I’m wide awake. I sit up, do stretches, walk around a bit, then I’m wide awake.

Now, on Day 5 of little sleep, I’ve gotten past the cranky stage and I’m just plain ugly. I can’t help it. I turn into a toddler who is tired, I can’t control my emotions, I can’t manage my anger, I can’t manage my tears, I can’t manage my children, and I certainly can’t manage my house. The Captain comes home from a long day at work, has school to study for, and I feel bad because I haven’t done any housework. I can’t bear to get up long enough to wrangle the children and do dishes. Laundry? It’s such and easy thing and I’ve gotten back to the place that I’d rather slam my finger in the door than do it. Walking up the stairs to put my laundry away… I stand at the bottom of the stairs and I feel it’s them Empire State building stairwell. Having to carry my 30 pound Bliss up the stairs? I feel as though I’m walking up Mt. Everest.

Next week, things will be better as my prescriptions will be refilled… I hope. My psychiatrist has left where he was practicing and my appointment was cancelled. To get in with his PA, I have to wait another month. I hope my primary care physician will refill them for me until I can get back in.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Things are so much better for me when I have slept. Even if I have to do it medically. For my sanity, for my inner beauty that I know is in there somewhere, for my children, for my husband, for myself… I will risk taking those medications. I did it with Bliss because Edison was so hard on me mentally and physically that I think it affected him adversely. I think she is much better emotionally than he is because I was willing to put me in a better place.

Until the end of the tunnel, there is not drinks, there is no hot tubs, but there is chocolate, there is soda, there is my favorite vanilla yogurt, there is the occasional retail therapy, and most importantly, there is time out for mom.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Ang
    Sep 17, 2011 @ 03:28:36

    You said you’ve tried everything, but I’m wondering if you’ve tried Valerian Root? It comes in capsule form and worked for me when I was preg w Willow. It may not help because of the spasms, but worth a try in the meantime? I have been seriously underproductive lately, please let me know if I can come over and help. I could use some time out of the house.

    Reply

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