Scratch that… nevermind.

So, my last post… just ignore that.

Apparently I am actually pregnant or I have a tumor. But let’s go with I’m pregnant because I’m not much of a hypochondriac. Based on dates of last month, I am 8 weeks along and am due at the first of March. The 7th or so. BUT, based on dates, I shouldn’t be pregnant as I avoided all of my fertile days so who knows. *shrug*

I know a few of you are going to be skeptical of me having another baby. Seeing as how I suffer from depression bad enough that I see a psychiatrist and dealt with a pretty bad case of post partum depression with Edison. That’s the miracle of modern medicine. I know my options after having a baby and did really well when Bliss was born. I really felt pretty great. Exhausted, but great. And right now, I am on an antidepressant that is safe during pregnancy, I am taking care of myself, and I feel pretty great. Not only that, but I am not even near as sick as I was with Edison and The Captain and I are doing so great!

With Edison, I got pregnant because I knew The Captain wanted kids and I didn’t really think it through and went through way too many life changes in year period that it wasn’t a very good idea. I wasn’t very stable, I didn’t take care of myself, I was a little crazy, and I feel bad for The Captain. I am pretty sure I drove him to smoking.

With Bliss, I just wanted to get my two kids out of the way fast since the first pregnancy was so bad. I just wanted it all to be done fast. So, six months after Edison was born, I was pregnant with Bliss. The Captain and I weren’t doing too well and it was hard on me emotionally. We were having a hard time regarding my role as a wife, a mother, and a stay at home mom. We pretty much didn’t talk for almost a year. But, we worked through it and things get better and better with ebbs and flows of bad times that come. That is part of dealing with me and my depression and ADD and my fibromylagia and the fact that I have relapses into not being able to do anything. But overall, I feel great. I feel better than I have with either of the first two. I feel much better than I did before about my husband and myself. Our relationship is simply amazing to behold these days. I feel very cheesy saying that, but it is. He is pretty much the teasing older brother to EVERYONE. Me included. I get my feelings hurt and I get tired of the teasing. I want a partner, not a brother. I want a friend! He has turned into a very patient man with me. He’s always been giving but he’s going over the top. And I feel very spoiled and it’s a nice feeling. It makes it easier to get up with the kids and stay home with them and enjoy them. I don’t know why, it’s weird. I also find it easier to do things like the dishes and cooking and cleaning because I know it makes him happy. He is going out of his way to make me happy, it makes me very happy to go out of my way for him. I love when we are on this spiral.

I also feel very good this pregnancy, so I don’t have this husband who I don’t hate per say but I feel a little bit of resentment toward. Not meaning to, I just do. I feel awful, I have this job I don’t get to call in sick for, and I have to just keep taking it. It’s hard when you feel like you have the flu. I was only sick for 5 days and figured that was due to dehydration. Two days of pounding water and the vitamin B’s and I feel awesome other than the insomnia and fatigue. Also, even though smells are kind of bugging me, The Captain and his smell aren’t. The other two times… boy! I just couldn’t deal with him even getting into my 3 foot space bubble. I hated that! I hated the look on his face when I felt like I was suffocating or the fact that I couldn’t snuggle him.

And I must say, therapy helps. I am enjoying my kids more than I ever have in my 3 years and 10 days of having them. I am able to keep my cool much better, even when Edison gets out the giant serrated knife and digs holes in my walls while I’m going to the bathroom. Or when Bliss is climbing on EVERYTHING risking her daredevil life all day long. They are fun and getting easier and easier, so why wouldn’t I want to have another one when I don’t feel that 2 is enough? My family isn’t complete yet and I am hoping that this will make me feel as though we are closer to completion.

Life is good. And I am loving it!

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Paula Devi
    Jul 21, 2011 @ 14:26:39

    Dear sweet EE, I have to say this is one of the best and inspiring posts I’ve read in a while. No, I’m not a weirdo (well, not about this). There is so much good health in your post both emotional and mental. I love you writing about you and the Captain growing into your marriage. When I hear someone say they have a great marriage, they never fight or go to bed angry I know they are robots. It’s not that fighting per se is a good thing – but bumping up against each other as each one goes through their own things in their life jouney is what makes us expand and become healthy and really human – just as you say, it’s what makes the person and the marriage strong. And it never ends since we are all so imperfect. 😀
    As far as depression goes – that’s how it goes for some of us. Our not so invisible shadow friend. I have shared my life with depression since childhood and when I experienced devestating post partum depression – there was nothing for me – there wasn’t even the concept. I was a “weak, unstable whiner”. But guess what? Therapy, medication, a husband that goes through it all with me and with himself and I’m doin’ great – usually. Yup, I love my husband and sometimes I look at him and am filled with warmth and gratitude and other times I can scream “What have I done” and decide that in the dead of night I will smother him with a pillow. Ain’t life grand. Happy baby growing!

    Reply

  2. Ang
    Jul 22, 2011 @ 04:00:37

    Congrats, my dear, I’m so happy for you! Sometimes, looking at my kids, I kindof wish that I would’ve had more. They are just so much fun. (especially as they get older and aren’t so much work.) I’m so glad to hear that things are going well and wish we saw more of each other. Love you!!

    Reply

  3. kl
    Jul 22, 2011 @ 04:36:46

    Congrats to you! I’m happy to hear how much better you are doing overall, and I love that everyone around me is having kids so I don’t have any bizarre urge to have another one! Love you tons and I hope to remember your vanilla when I come over next time. =)

    Reply

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