Pain in the neck

I’m 3 weeks late in writing this. Sickness and death and just life have kept me from taking the time to update for myself.

My first day of therapy left me with a week of severe migraines. I lived in severe pain in my neck, my head, my head and just I kind of thought that after telling this lady (who looks like Sara Brightman) about my childhood, teenager-hood, and young adulthood… This is too hard and I don’t want to do it again.

I don’t want to be told that I was a nothing child. I don’t want to talk about how I basically raised myself because my mom was sick and my dad was the typical old school male figure. He worked way too much and raising the children weren’t his deal.

I don’t want to explain how I self soothe myself in very embarrassing manners because I don’t know how to do so otherwise. Or how I can’t deal with my children because I have no impulse control and am selfish and don’t want to deviate from what I am doing because it’s not what I want to do. Or how I have been exposed to porn at a very early age because I was not taught boundaries neither were boundaries enforced.

I don’t want to know that I went from a neglectful home to relationships where I allowed them to treat me like nothing because I didn’t know any better.

I don’t want to be stoic about all of this and then cry like a baby because I am at the point that I catch myself screaming at my kids, swearing at my kids, and smacking heads cause of my rage. I don’t want my kids to be afraid of me nor do I want them to not feel that they can come to me. I don’t want to be a non-comfort.

I have realized though, that I have completely pushed people away from me who don’t treat me like nothing. If that makes sense in my warped head. I don’t know what to do with people who treat me like I matter, like my needs and desires and dreams are important.

I have been to massage therapists, chiropractors, eastern medicine gurus, anything you can think of, and almost all of them have said the same thing. I have severe pain in my neck and shoulder. All of the “non scientific” medicine healers tell me that is where emotions, hurt, anger, etc. are held. I have been told that I really need to find out what I’m holding there to get rid of it and when I drop my baggage, my pain will go as well. So far, it has only aggravated it. But maybe there is a method to the madness and that is my body afraid to purge the hurt.

So… therapy session number one… I grew up in a neglected household. Not that my parents didn’t do the best they could, but they didn’t give me the validation that I am important as a child. I didn’t get the everyday skills and lessons that most children get. I WAS loved… very much so… but my mom did what she could with what she had.

I do see the difference in my youngest two siblings compared to me and my closest sister. My mom was able to go to her doctor and demand that she get antidepressants. That yes, it was all in her head and she was sick and sad and needed help. My dad started to very much take an interest in the education of my youngest two siblings. He sat and worked with them on their homework every day… all the while, never paying attention to the fact that neither my sister nor I were going to school or failing all of our classes. Maybe he knew, but nothing was said or done about it so to me that is in essence ignoring us and our needs.

I have a blanket that I sleep with every night. I know a lot of people have their wubbies or blankies or whatever, but I can’t sleep without mine. I know I am getting tired or anxious or stressed when I feel the need for my blanket. I rub the binding and suck my tongue. That’s how I soothe myself. I still rub the binding on my blanket and quite frankly if I am ever told I have to get rid of it… my answer will be a childish “Fuck off.”

When I was very young, about 7 or so, my parents were invited to an adult party where the kids were to be put downstairs to play amongst themselves with no supervision. I sneaked upstairs to find out what was going on… again, the thing with boundaries and obeying… and found them all sitting around watching porn. Now, knowing my parents, my dad can’t say no for fear of hurting someone’s feelings and my mom doesn’t do well with confrontation at all. So I saw my first porn at the age of 7. I knew what “mommy/daddy time” was all about. My parents were also very…. adventurous for a lack of a better word… in their own sex-life. Should I know all of this? No. Probably not, but I do. In the days before the internet, there were videos and magazines and my parents had them. Did I dig for them? Yes.

I then learned about masturbation and started about the age of 11. A lot. Apparently younger and more often than is normal. That too is a soothing mechanism. One that is detrimental to my marriage due to the fact that I relieve my own tension and don’t particularly need his help, as per the therapist.

So, yeah.

A lot of pain and neglect and not fitting in anywhere. I had one really good friend in elementary school who really treated me as if I meant something and I allowed it until I hit 6th grade. At that point, I didn’t fit in with the smart kids -even though I was smart, I didn’t get good grades. I didn’t fit in with the bad kids cause I just wasn’t a bad kid. I didn’t fit in with anyone. I couldn’t do sports, I wasn’t into drama, I wasn’t really that musically inclined or artsy. And those who really seemed to like me and really saw potential, I pushed away because I didn’t know how to deal with being told I was worth something.

And while I may try to find someone else because I just am a little weirded out by the strange Sara Brightman opera singer therapist, I will stick with it even though it totally is a pain the neck.


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